Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Playing With Fire is a society podcast hosted by Joli Hamilton, with 259 episodes on record and a Required Pod Score of 80. PitchCentric scores this show on Booking Probability, Listen Score, and live audience signals refreshed every 24 hours.

Joli Hamilton hosts Playing With Fire, a society show with 259 episodes published.

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  Episode #255

  255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships?

  Sep 5, 202649 minS13

  Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are . From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out. Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear of seeming too rigid or demanding can set you up for heartbreak, confusion, and a whole lot of unnecessary pain. The truth is, agreements aren't about constraining your relationships or killing spontaneity. They're about making your expectations visible so you can actually relate to each other instead of just hoping you're on the same page. This is especially relevant when we shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, because our entire framework for safety, trust, and connection changes, and clear agreements become essential. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you're already making agreements whether you realize it or not (and why pretending you're not is causing problems) — The difference between implicit expectations and explicit agreements, and why making them visible changes everything — The problems that come along with the fear of "not being cool" or "asking for too much" — Why every agreement you make is actually with yourself , not your partner (this is a game-changer) — The power of starting small — How to handle asymmetries in relationships without pretending everything is "fair" or "equal" — Why agreements need revisit dates built in, and how to avoid only renegotiating when someone's already hurt — The liberation that comes from knowing where you stand, even when the agreement isn't what you'd prefer — How to make "minimum viable agreements" and first-draft agreements that you can adjust as you learn what you actually want — Why defining your terms matters more than you think — The difference between spontaneity and intentionality, and why you can have both — How clear agreements actually reduce anxiety and transform your nervous system — Why people avoid making agreements early (hint: they don't want to discover incompatibilities) — The importance of acknowledging what you want and need, even before you're totally sure what that is Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on weasel words and how they undermine agreements — Our episode on relationship agreements 101 JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

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  Episode #254

  254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO

  Aug 29, 20261h 5mS13

  Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not . To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format . This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The Year Of Opening®, our private community for people who are on the path of individuation and de-centering monogamy. Wants and needs was a highly requested topic, and the resulting call was truly special. Everyone you’ll hear in this call consented to having the audio shared as a PWF episode, and we are thrilled to invite you into this inside peek! In this episode, we talk about: — Why many of us struggle to name our wants, and how our histories shape our relationship with desire — The difference between needs and wants, and why that distinction matters in non-monogamy — How the mono-mind limits our imagination of what's possible — The protective mechanisms we use to avoid wanting — Why some people enjoy longing and yearning while others find it unbearable — The concept of limerence and how fantasy can both serve and limit us — Using envy as a tool for desire excavation (and when envy becomes destructive) — How to create containers for exploratory conversations about desires — Why trusting your partner's "no" is essential for feeling safe to express your "yes" — The difference between wants you've been sold and wants that authentically arise from within — Practical strategies for desire excavation — How to write solo MVAs (Minimum Viable Agreements) with yourself about your boundaries and capacities JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

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  Episode #253

  253 The Shadow of Compersion

  Aug 15, 202643 minS13

  Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again. When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly, the shadow of compersion isn't about jealousy at all—it's about the pressure, the performance, and the unintended consequences of treating compersion like a moral requirement. If compersion is virtuous, does that mean the absence of compersion is a moral failing? Most of us would say no, but conversations within our communities often tell a different story; people who experience compersion are elevated, celebrated, and held up as examples of "doing non-monogamy right," while those who don't feel compersion end up feeling like they're failing at non-monogamy. In this episode, we talk about: — Why compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive (you can feel both at the same time!) — The dangerous elevation of compersion as a virtue and what that does to people who don't experience it easily — How the pressure to feel compersion can lead to performative emotions and enmeshment — The difference between big, electric compersion and the subtle, quiet bubbles of compersion that are easy to miss — Why your partner doesn't owe you compersion, and why demanding it creates unhealthy dynamics — The importance of neutrality and consent as valid emotional states (not everything has to feel good to be okay) — How focusing too much on compersion can cause us to neglect other important emotions like grief, envy, and jealousy — The archetypal nature of emotions and why we need to tend to all of them, not just the "positive" ones — Why jealousy isn't something we can or should transmute into compersion — Practical ways to interrupt harmful cultural conversations that demonize jealousy or pressure people to feel compersion — How to cultivate the attitude of compersion without requiring yourself to feel the emotion Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 157 What is Compersion? with Dr. Marie Thouin JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

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  Episode #252

  252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody & Chris

  Aug 1, 20261h 15mS13

  Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each person brings their own neurodivergence, relationship history, and vision of what love should look like? This week, we're sitting down with Margo, Chris, and Jodi—affectionately known as "the Throupledom"—to talk about their journey of building a relationship that defies easy categorization. These three incredible humans are Year Of Opening® alums, and what unfolded inside their cohort was nothing short of transformative. They've experimented with living arrangements, deconstructed couples privilege from multiple angles, navigated different timelines of NRE wearing off, and created space for one partner to explore mono-amory while staying in a throuple . If you've ever wondered whether it's possible to be in a committed multi-partner relationship while honoring radically different relationship orientations, or if you're curious about what it really takes to dismantle default relationship structures, this conversation is for you. In this episode, we talk about: — How Chris and Margo's 20+ years of "messy" non-monogamy didn't fully prepare them for the game-changing nature of this triad — Why Jodi falling in love for the first time brought up all the "mono normie Disney princess brouhaha" neither of them expected — The pivotal moment when Jodi admitted, "I was trying to break you two up," and how that radical honesty became a turning point — How neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, PTSD) shapes each person's relationship needs and why recognizing these patterns was essential to their survival as a throuple — The difference between bifurcating yourself across relationships versus showing up as your whole self—and why that shift was so challenging for Chris — What happened when the NRE wore off at different times for different dyads (spoiler: it got really hard) — How they've experimented with "multi-nesting" and why they've tried everything from all together in a one bedroom apartment to living separately five minutes apart — Why taking breaks from each other wasn't a sign of failure but actually a crucial tool for growth — The power of parts work (Internal Family Systems) in helping each person recognize patterns without shame — How they're creating space for Jodi to explore monoamory within a thruple, and why that's not actually a contradiction — The difference between equality and equanimity in relationships, and why that distinction was a game-changer — Why they describe themselves as "scientists" in their relationship—constantly experimenting, adjusting, and trying again without attachment to any single outcome — How psychedelic journeys helped Margo recognize the soul-level connection with Chris that gave her confidence to keep choosing this relationship — What it means to find security not through conditionality (marriage, cohabitation, exclusivity) but through the ineffable thread that connects them — Why "home" became such a complicated word for them, and how they're navigating the search for a shared physical space JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

  ListenShow Notes
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  Episode #249

  251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment

  Jul 18, 202649 minS13

  When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up. We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels like you or your partner is doing all the heavy lifting in the opening process, understanding this dynamic may be the key to helping you understand the feelings and patterns that are coming up in your relationship. In this episode, we talk about: — The trailblazer and follower dynamic and why it's so common in relationships opening up — How one partner often ends up carrying the emotional weight of "this was my idea" — Why the follower partner might experience guilt while the trailblazer experiences resentment (even when neither person voices these feelings) — What happens during "the flip" — when the reluctant partner suddenly starts thriving, and the initiating partner feels left behind — The dangerous trap of seeking "parity of outcome" and why symmetry in relationships is neither realistic nor necessary — How unexpressed resentment and guilt can sabotage relationships right when they're about to reach a sweet spot — Why taking full responsibility for your own consent and participation (even when something wasn't your idea) is essential for individuation — The importance of expressing gratitude when you're benefiting from someone else's trailblazing work — How the Imago Dialogue can help partners understand each other's perspectives and do repair work around these dynamics — Why differentiation means accepting that you and your partner will have different experiences, different paths, and different levels of success in non-monogamy — How to recognize when you've fallen into fixed roles and how to shift out of them — What fairness in relationships actually requires Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on Imago Dialogue — Our episode on envying your partner — Our episode on asymmetry and resentment — Our episode on asymmetric relationship agreements JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

  ListenShow Notes

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