Two Assholes and a Mic

Just a two "normal dudes", having some drinks and having regular conversation. Conversations will vary, but are none-the-less comical. We will try to veer away from political and religious conversation because not everyone can maintain a respectful means of expressing their views.

Two Assholes and a Mic is a society podcast hosted by Ian, with 65 episodes on record and a Required Pod Score of 80.

Ian hosts Two Assholes and a Mic, a society show with 65 episodes published.

Our AI reads these to draft pitches. Use them as grounding for a pitch that cites a real guest and a specific topic.

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  Episode #68

  S2E68 - Internet Trauma, Pecker Checkers, and Danger Noodles

  Oct 3, 202630 minS2

  Send us Fan Mail Billy joins us for this one, immediately proves he has absolutely no filter, and somehow the conversation goes straight from Robby’s failing phone into internet videos none of us should have ever seen in the first place. After collectively deciding everyone is better off never Googling certain things, we move into fantasy sports, terrible draft luck, workplace trash talk, and the universal strategy of doing the exact opposite of whatever Robby and Billy recommend. Then things get aggressively military: inappropriate deployment stories, jack-off competitions, “meat-gazing duty,” drug tests, strip searches, MEPS doctors, and Billy casually admitting he once watched more than a hundred dudes pee into cups in a single day. We eventually escape that nightmare and finish with rattlesnakes, copperheads, lawn-mower warfare, broomstick combat, snake trespassing laws, and Billy’s preferred solution to every danger noodle: overwhelming firepower. Support the show

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  Episode #67

  S2E67 - Woodpecker Haircuts, $4,500 Cats, and the Word Fuck

  Sep 29, 202629 minS2

  Send us Fan Mail Sweenis joins us for this one, Robby shows up late, Starlink immediately starts acting like Starlink, and somehow we end up planning where everybody should move once the kids are grown and retirement money can actually do some damage. From there, Robby unveils his last-ditch attempt at a cool hairstyle—the fucking woodpecker —while Sweenis explains why he gave up trying to grow a beard and just grows hair instead. We get into military coins, Ian staying in England, Robby threatening violence against his overheating phone, Step Brothers quotes, and why WoW might finally be fun again now that exploring the world actually matters. Then Sweenis introduces us to the enormous Maine Coon he rescued from the flight line who later ate enough string to become a $4,500 cat, before we close out by discussing the incredible versatility of the word “fuck,” management jobs nobody asked for, and a future where Sweenis moves to Texas and he and Robby simply alternate months at work. Support the show

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  Episode #66

  S2E66 - Remote Jobs, Bleeped Names, and Billion-Dollar Neighborhoods

  Sep 29, 202628 minS2

  Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby’s decade-old headset finally showing its age before we get into remote-job hunting, whether $60–70K is enough to justify going back to full-time work, Ian’s abandoned shirt-business dreams, and the point where making more money stops being worth giving up your free time. Robby considers going back to the kitchen, we discover the podcast’s greatest power is simply bleeping somebody’s name and making everyone wonder if we were talking about them, and Billy becomes the guy who just says whatever everyone else is thinking. Then a neighbour gets a Sonic pinball machine delivered and somehow that turns into an entire billion-dollar lottery plan: buy every house in the neighbourhood, move all your friends to Texas, make everyone sign NDAs, build a car hangar and grotto, and turn the spare houses into Airbnbs. Naturally, we finish by talking about Hobbit houses and Robby desperately waiting to play an undead paladin. Support the show

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  Episode #65

  S2E65 - Backfeed Headsets, Quantum Light, and Warp Bubbles

  Sep 24, 202612 minS2

  Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby’s ancient headset making screeching noises and somehow turns into one of our more brain-melting space conversations. We get into the double-slit experiment, quasars, gravitational lensing, photons that experience billions of years like an instant, and why none of that feels remotely reasonable even when the science supposedly checks out. From there, we drift into faster-than-light travel, quantum physics, warp bubbles, whether we’ll ever live long enough to see any of it, and the idea that somewhere on the other side of the universe there has to be another pair of idiots having this exact same conversation. Then we question whether the universe is actually expanding at all and eventually admit that, at some point, you just have to trust the guy with the glasses and the pocket protector. Support the show

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  Episode #64

  S2E64 - Mental Health Leave, Undead Paladins, and a Tank of Gas

  Sep 20, 202621 minS2

  Send us Fan Mail This one starts a little heavier, with Robby talking about stepping away from the bar for a few weeks to get his head right, reset after a rough stretch, and figure out what he actually wants to do next. That somehow turns into becoming a third-base coach for a softball team, defending Grammy’s right to wander around the bar doing whatever the hell she wants, and then a full dive into World of Warcraft Forever . Robby’s already building characters, planning undead paladins, dragging Ian and Kirsty into a future dungeon group, and generally enjoying the fact that his new computer finally removed the biggest roadblock. We also get another house update, a surprise £3,000 price reduction, UK-versus-US fuel-price maths, and the realization that the bar has gotten so busy that two people behind it on a Wednesday just isn’t enough anymore. Support the show

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