Episode #125
Shame, Sex, and Men's Mental Health - with Fran Frye
Fran Frye is a sex educator, counselor, and advocate for men's mental health. She helps men understand themselves sexually so they can have a more fulfilling life. She works with men who watch more porn than they mean to, feel gone from their bodies during sex, keep a secret sex life, or sit in the shower after infidelity thinking, "Why did I do that again??", and much more. Fran is a rape survivor, an athlete, and a death doula. We talk about the years she disappeared from her own body after she was raped in college, and how movement brought her back. We talk about arousal when we are actually angry, scared, or just flooded - and why 'getting off' does not answer what the body was asking. We get into the shame after cheating and after masturbation, the missing words for what you actually want in bed, porn as both a relief and a stand-in for sex you are not having, how Fran took her power back after harm, and the intimacy nobody wants to name when someone is dying. The way Fran sees it: You don’t have a sex problem. You have a nervous system problem. Let's find out why - If you're ready to expand your mind and explore your body - please welcome to the fray: Junkyard Love special guest: Fran Frye. Fran's site: https://www.franfrye.com/ *Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/franfryecounseling/ - Email: fran@franfrye.com - Based in Charleston / Mt. Pleasant, SC. Fran Frye, LLC. - Training: Sexual Health Alliance certified; Somatica Institute trained; Modern Sex Therapy Institutes trained; American Board of Sexology certified; compulsive-sexual-behavior focus; death doula trained. - Lived: sexual assault survivor; athlete; former military spouse; rape-crisis hotline + rooms (~3 years); human-trafficking prevention at Tampa International Airport; food-scarcity / soup kitchen volunteering in Tampa; hospice / in-home death-doula work; supports Veterans. - Practice frame in her own words: helps men break compulsive sexual behavior without shame, sobriety chips, or the word “addict.” Notable quotes from Fran during this chat: “You can only grow as much as you are honest with yourself.” “I support men in getting more of what they want in the bedroom.” “I had to become dangerously competent.” “The hurt hurt. There aren’t necessarily bad people. They do maybe bad or unhelpful things.” “What we look for, we find. If I’m looking for men to be bad, damn well I’m going to find them.” “Men have changed my life drastically.” “When I was raped, I stopped moving. And that was deliberate.” “You don’t have a sex problem. You have a nervous system dysregulation problem.” “The penis becomes that conduit for emotion. Sexuality is praised when you’re a boy. Emotions are not.” “Not every time you feel this need to release does that mean you are horny and you need to use your partner as a masturbatory appliance.” “Take that pause… then come back to yourself and say, am I ready for connected, intimate sex?” “We lack vocabulary for getting what it is that we want.” “Porn is ideas, not information.” “I think we need to become friends with erotic material.” “Put on your oxygen mask before putting on the other’s. That applies in sex.” “You are responsible for you. I am responsible for my orgasm.” “How can anyone use me? That’s for me to give.” “I give myself in every sexual situation. I am there for me.” “There’s power in knowing your pleasures.” “Sex and death are both states of transcendence.” “I’ve been accused of helping people live a little too long.” “Maybe you’re just not with the right person.” “Form is important.” 00:00 Intro 00:15 Who Fran Is and the Men She Works With 01:43 Why Men: Growing Up Athletic and Close to the Guys 02:32 The Rape in College and Becoming "Dangerously Competent" 03:13 Volunteering Her Way Back to Trusting People 06:10 "Why Don't You Hate Men?" 09:11 Movement as Medicine 11:02 Tucson, Depression, and the Cannabis Turning Point 14:16 Jacob on Cannabis, Yoga, and Coming Back to the Body 18:30 What "Somatic" Actually Means 19:07 The Rattlesnake That Was a Stick 20:54 The Brain and the Body as Coach and Quarterback 23:56 Boys Can See Their Erections. Girls Can't. 25:58 The Fifth F 28:24 The Body as a Conduit for Emotion 30:38 Take the Pause Before You Reach for Your Partner 31:52 Infidelity, Shame, and the Vocabulary We Never Got 40:20 ADHD, Dopamine, and Compulsive Behavior 42:54 The Myth of Sex Addiction: Maybe You're With the Wrong Person 45:48 Porn and Masturbation in the Modern World 48:50 "You Don't Have a Sex Problem. You Have a Nervous System Problem." 52:05 When Porn Becomes a Problem Between Partners 55:48 Radical Responsibility for Your Own Pleasure 57:01 Titrate, Don't Quit: Becoming Friends With Erotic Material 1:00:09 Healing From Rape Through BDSM and Power Exchange 1:01:35 "Do We Coddle Survivors So They Stay Victimized?" 1:04:00 "How Can Anyone Use Me? That's for Me to Give." 1:06:24 Asking For What You Want Is the Hot Part 1:11:57 Fran's Work as a Death Doula 1:13:36 Intimacy and Dignity at the End of Life 1:17:02 "I've Been Accused of Helping People Live Too Long" 1:19:47 Paradox, and Taking What Resonates 1:22:03 Where to Find Fran + Closing Junkyard Love, unorthodox teachers, spiritual podcast, men's mental health, Fran Frye, shame, sex, nervous system, longform interviews, somatic healing, Jacob Rhines, Jake Rhines, mental health, self-help, healing, spirituality,
