The Alcohol Myth Podcast
Will I Lose Friends If I Quit Drinking?
Send us Fan Mail What happens to your relationships when you stop drinking, and why the fear is usually wrong. If you have put off changing your drinking because of what it might do to the people around you, that fear is doing more work than it has earned. The worry is rarely the drink itself. It is that saying no to the glass will land as saying no to the relationship, the tradition, the memory you built around it. Jonathan Ball's antidote is a phrase worth sitting with: become sacredly selfish. It means becoming the source of your own needs, taking responsibility for your own experience, and putting down the job of managing everyone else's mood. Most of us picked up mood-managing early, in a house where reading the room worked, and Ellen Biggs makes the case that it outlived its usefulness decades ago. The shape-shifting is what eats your self-worth, and the drinking sits on top of it as fake self-care. Ellen Biggs, two and a half years alcohol-free, expected to lose the friends she drank with. What she got was one awkward exchange at a birthday party and a run of people telling her they were relieved, because they had been drinking more than they wanted around her. Jonathan Ball expected his choice to cost his marriage its celebrations. It bought the marriage better conversations. You cannot argue anyone into freedom. You can only be visibly free in front of them. Jonathan Ball spent the first year of an earlier alcohol-free stretch evangelizing, and it moved nobody. Tending your own house and letting people notice does the work preaching never did, and it happens to be the version of you they wanted all along. Try it as a thought experiment before it has to be a decision. What would secretly selfish look like in your week? How would you show up differently? Which resentments would fall away? Write the answers down. And if you are the one who never asks, ask someone for help this week, because being needed is a good gift to hand someone who loves you. Work with Jonathan: https://livecreativeaf.com/ | Work with Ellen: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/ CHAPTERS 00:00 How your drinking touches everyone 03:16 The alcohol-free beer at the party 06:32 Whose experience are you managing? 09:48 Your partner benefits too 13:04 To be in unity, first be a unit 16:20 When self-care was a drink 19:36 Push, pull, and asking for help 22:52 Alcohol as the first domino 26:08 High achievers and heavy drinking 29:24 Be the billboard, not the megaphone 32:40 What if it's better than you fear? FROM THIS EPISODE "Tend to your own house and let yourself be the billboard." QUESTIONS THIS EPISODE ANSWERS Q: Will I lose my friends if I stop drinking? A: Most people do not lose their friends when they stop drinking, though some relationships shift. Expect a few awkward first encounters, quiet relief from people who were matching your pace, and closer conversations with the ones who matter. Friendships built only on drinking fade rather than break. Q: How do I tell people I am not drinking? A: Telling people you are not drinking works best as a short, calm statement with no case attached. You do not owe anyone a reason, and extra explanation invites debate. Say what you are doing, order something you like, and let the evening carry on. Q: What does it mean to be secretly selfish? A: Being secretly selfish means becoming the source of your own needs rather than outsourcing your wellbeing to other people's approval. You own your experience, say what you need directly, and stop managing everyone else's mood. It only sounds selfish if you were taught that having needs is rude. Q: Why do high achievers drink heavily? A: High achievers often drink heavily because achieving and self-soothing form a loop. You take everything on, anticipate what everyone needs, deliver it, then use alcohol to come down from the effort. Remove the alcohol and the drive stays while the resentment under it fades. You do not need to wait for rock bottom. You do not need more willpower. You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for the next drink. If this episode resonates, please like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment with what stood out to you. We would love to hear what you want more of. Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth@gmail.com. We read every message. We really do. CONNECT WITH US Email: thealcoholmyth@gmail.com Jonathan Ball, CreativeAF Coaching: https://livecreativeaf.com/ Ellen Biggs Coaching: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/ LISTEN ANYWHERE Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-alcohol-myth-podcast/id1861472231 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7DzVqvW3ZkyV80jDYDSOjt Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/88964cf0-2b6f-4976-9676-2aa8a36d25be All episodes: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2562590 Subscribe for more episodes pulling back the curtain on the alcohol myth. #AlcoholFree #SoberCurious #QuitDrinking #PeoplePleasing
