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I just kept getting confused cause she kept calling flip-flops "thongs"... I think we all can understand why I had to cut it off....right?

Well if you think about it...I don't need a helmet while riding my bike because...swag really.

That's it guys. Im living in a van from now on...I think this episode changed me

Babe, you're still my one and only...but it's very normal to have multiple one and only's. Like. The baby im having with one and only 2 is hardly going to be in the picture

okay dad...people aren't going to take you more seriously just because you bought a hummer...the opposite I think really

yea I mean arent you curious what goes on underneath an island? I just think we could take a submarine and go under it and check it out! Why has nobody done that before??

Don't worry my good men jean shorts are not under attack...just yet. But stay vigilant and watch your back because you never know when your girlfriend might make them disappear from your wardrobe

I'm sorry but if you can't look at a T Rex fossil and your jaw drops to the floor then..have a nice life

Yea dude I used your toothbrush. I’m just trying to be economical out here. You’re telling me you didn’t have a family toothbrush?? Yea right.

Listen man, I know you "dont care what we do" but YOU invited US over...so we assumed YOU knew what to do!

I mean...yes home owners associations are cringe...but PLEASE I ACTUALLY NEED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY NEIGHBOURS!!

When I had leftovers from lunch I would just stash them in my neigbors mailbox...I liked the guy too. Just didn' have anywhere else to stick my lunch

The boss man is smoking doobies on the roof...but I think i'm keep my mouth shut yanno, for business purposes

Yea dude I hate to break it to you but my train seat isn't really the place to be cutting your toenails...good on you for caring about hygene though

At this point I think we need to accept that the government just has a weird obsession with trying to optimize birds to do their work for them? Why have a human with a machine gun when we could just train a chicken to...