
Episode #286
It's OK to Be Wrong: Releasing Perfectionism & Building the Skill of Knowing Enough [286]
What does it means to know enough, and why do so many of us have our sense of self-worth tangled up with the need to appear certain, informed, and never wrong? The common obstacles of perfectionism, yearning for power and to feel "special," along with anxiety are fueled by a world of constant information, public scrutiny, and the subtle pressure to prove our intelligence. It makes a tough environment to come back to the wisdom Socrates shared 2,500 years ago: real wisdom lives in knowing what you don't know. The good news: getting comfortable with being wrong is a practice, not a personality trait. And the more you do it (starting small and safe), then the more your nervous system learns that doubt isn't dangerous. About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek. Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating (Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North and your donations are tax-deductible). Listen & follow the Joy Lab Podcast on your favorite listening app: Spotify | Apple | YouTube Full transcript here Sources and Notes for Our Element of Enoughness: Related Joy Lab Episodes: Ep. 215: Are You Curious to Learn or Confirm? Ep. 285: Why Doing Enough Is Enough + Why Perfectionism Predicts Burnout, Depression, & Anxiety, Not Performance Ep. 284: Having Enough: Why Acquiring More Will Never Fill the Hole in Your Self-Worth Ep. 283: You Are Enough: The Science and Practices of Enoughness Bellam, S., Curran, T., Hill, A. P., & Stoeber, J. (2025). Perfectionism and work performance: A meta-analysis. https://doi.org/10.1111/joop.12570 Carver, C. S., Lawrence, J. W., & Scheier, M. F. (1999). Self-discrepancies and affect: Incorporating the role of feared selves. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167299025007002 Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.131.3.392 Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). Reaping the benefits of pursuing self-esteem without the costs? Reply to Schmuck and Sheldon (2004), Sheldon et al. (2004), Pyszczynski et al. (2004), and Kernis (2004). https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.430 Crocker, J., Karpinski, A., Quinn, D. M., & Chase, S. K. (2003). When grades determine self-worth: Consequences of contingent self-worth for male and female engineering and psychology majors. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.3.507 Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.108.3.593 Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2004). Avoiding death or engaging life as accounts of meaning and culture: Comment on Pyszczynski et al. (2004). https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.473 Freudenberger, H. J. (1974). Staff burn-out. Journal of Social Issues, 30(1), 159β165. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1974.tb00706.x Harari, D., Swider, B. W., Bujold Steed, L., & Breidenthal, A. P. (2018). Is perfect good? A meta-analysis of perfectionism in the workplace. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000324 Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.60.3.456 Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.94.3.319 Joseph, S., & Linley, P. A. (2005). Positive adjustment to threatening events: An organismic valuing theory of growth through adversity. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.9.3.262 Kernis, M. H. (2005). Measuring self-esteem in context: The importance of stability of self-esteem in psychological functioning. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00359.x Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Ellis, B. J. (2001). An evolutionary-psychological approach to self-esteem: Multiple domains and multiple functions. In G. J. O. Fletcher & M. S. Clark (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of social psychology: Interpersonal processes (pp. 411β436). Blackwell. Leary, M. R. (2000). Sociometer theory and the pursuit of relational value: Getting to the root of self-esteem. https://doi.org/10.1080/14792772043000045 Maslach, C. (1981). The measurement of experienced burnout. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.4030020205 Park, L. E., & Crocker, J. (2005). Attachment styles and contingencies of self-worth. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167205277030 Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., Arndt, J., & Schimel, J. (2004). Why do people need self-esteem? https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.435 Schaufeli, W. B., Leiter, M. P., & Maslach, C. (2009). Burnout: 35 years of research and practice. https://doi.org/10.1108/13620430910966406 Lynn Twist's Book: The Soul of Money Questions this episode was made for: Q: Why do I feel like I have to know everything and never be wrong... and how do I stop? A: This episode traces the drive to perform knowledge back to things like anxiety about judgment and the desire for specialness, along with the amygdala hijack that makes being wrong feel like a survival threat, and offers a practical strategy: exposure. Practice being wrong in small, safe ways until your nervous system recalibrates and realizes it isn't catastrophic. Q: Can you actually be too certain? Isn't confidence a good thing? A: Being too certain can be detrimental. This episode unpacks the differences between genuine knowledge, intellectual humility, and the performance of certainty for reasons outside of genuine knowledge. Key moments: [00:30] Setting the scene: Athens, 2,500 years ago β a friend asks the Oracle of Delphi who is the wisest person in the city [02:30] Socrates' conclusion: maybe he was wiser because he knew what he didn't know, and didn't shy away from that unknowing; kept asking questions [03:30] Intellectual humility: holding your beliefs loosely, staying curious, genuinely believing you might be wrong [04:00] The Enoughness layer: the belief that you have to prove your knowledge to be worthy; knowing more makes you enough [05:00] It's exhausting to feel like you need to know all the answers, to be right all the time β and none of us can actually succeed at it [05:30] Two drivers: anxiety (fear of being judged for being wrong) and the desire for power or certainty as protection from vulnerability [07:00] The desire for specialness: inflating self-esteem through the performance of knowing it all [07:30] Research on narcissism and conspiratorial thinking: conspiracy theories offer the feeling of uniqueness β "I know something you don't" [10:00] Henry: a small pitch for narcissism β a little bit isn't bad; we all want to feel special sometimes; full-blown narcissists wouldn't be listening to this anyway [11:00] The belonging need: we don't have to stand out to belong, but we do need to be seen as worthy of inclusion β so we avoid sticking our neck out and being wrong in front of others [11:30] Social media amplifies this: anything put out publicly can be validated or challenged β rarely challenged without feeling diminished [14:00] The internet requires a new kind of resilience and emotional regulation we haven't trained before in human history β much of which is what Joy Lab works on [15:30] Being wrong is so often worse in our heads than in real life β especially when we're willing to admit it; humility actually strengthens connection [17:30] Henry: when the fear of being wrong tips into clinical anxiety or mood problems β perfectionism creates a downward spiral [18:00] The amygdala hijack: the midbrain can't distinguish between a perceived threat (being wrong in front of others) and a real physical threat β fight or flight activates as though lives are at stake [18:30] How to get out: exposure β practice being wrong in small, safe ways; when your nervous system learns it isn't catastrophic, it recalibrates [20:30] Good news: we have many opportunities every day to practice being wrong β the more you check in, the more you notice them [21:00] The Experiment for this episode works on getting more comfortable with being wrong If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts! 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