Episode #74
Ep 74: I'm Not Good Enough ft Angela & Cheryl
Two Dharma friends, Cheryl and Angela, sit down to unpack everything their March meditation retreat with Ajahn Jayasaro taught them — and it wasn't the peaceful escape either of them expected.In this honest episode of the Handful of Leaves podcast, they talk through work burnout, losing parents to cancer, the "I'm not good enough" loop that followed them onto the cushion, and why chasing a peaceful feeling in meditation can actually work against you. They unpack Ajahn Jayasaro's teachings on contentment, patience (Khanti), comparison, identity, and what it really means to sit with difficult emotions instead of rushing past them.If you've ever felt burnt out, doubted whether you're "enough," or struggled with restlessness in meditation, this conversation is for you.In this episode:- Why meditation is about learning to observe, not chasing peace- How to work with burnout, doomscrolling, and restless thinking as habits, not character flaws- Sitting with grief and catching the stories the mind repeats- Ajahn Jayasaro's teaching: "We are a function of who we compare ourselves to"- Why patience (Khanti) is called the incinerator of the defilements- Letting go of identity and achievement to become "nobody" — and why that's freeing About the Teacher Ajahn Jayasaro is a British-born monk of the Thai Forest Tradition and one of its most widely respected living teachers. He first joined Ajahn Sumedho's monastic community in the UK in 1978 before travelling to Thailand the following year to train under the renowned meditation master Ajahn Chah at Wat Nong Pah Pong. He received novice ordination in 1979 and higher ordination in 1980. From 1997 to 2002, Ajahn Jayasaro served as abbot of Wat Pah Nanachat, the international forest monastery founded by Ajahn Chah, guiding monastics from around the world under the tradition's strict standards of discipline and meditation. He is also widely recognized as Ajahn Chah's official biographer, writing Stillness Flowing. Since 2003, Ajahn Jayasaro has lived in a hermitage near Khao Yai National Park in Thailand. He has become one of the most respected contemporary voices of the Thai Forest Tradition, known internationally for his meditation retreats, talks, and writing. Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-74 ⏱Timestamps: (0:00) Welcome and introducing the March retreat with Ajahn Jayasaro(0:28) The real reason Angela signed up: work burnout(1:53) Meditation isn't about peace, it's about learning to observe(3:45) "Okay shit, this wanting is not getting me anywhere"(5:47) Doomscrolling as dissatisfaction in disguise(7:59) Angela’s "fear monster" and fear of dying young(11:31) Reframing thinking itself as a reshapeable habit(15:11) Patience as Khanti, "the incinerator of the defilements"(17:00) "We are a function of who we compare ourselves to"(18:18) Choosing a wholesome idol to compare yourself to(21:02) Becoming "nobody" in meditation, and why it's freeing(22:24) Closing reflection: suffering and joy, together Resources: https://www.jayasaro.panyaprateep.org/en/about-us Special thanks to our sponsors: Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren Sponsor us : https://handfulofleaves.life/support/ Editor : Azraf Mahir ✍️ Transcribers : Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng Visuals & Sound : Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan Get Connected Telegram https://bit.ly/hol-telegram Instagram https://bit.ly/hol-instagram-podcast Facebook https://bit.ly/hol-facebook-podcast Spotify https://bit.ly/spotifyholep74 Get connected here: Telegram Instagram YouTube Facebook
