Distorted View Daily
The Serial Foot Sniffer Returns to the Streets
Episode Summary A furious man patrols the sidewalk spraying passersby with what he insists is chocolate milk while exchanging the sort of gentle neighborhood pleasantries normally reserved for prison riots. One woman says she was blasted in the eyes and crotch. The sprayer denies everything while standing beside the container and loudly confirming nearly every relevant detail. A bystander raises the important forensic question: how does anybody know the mystery liquid is not urine? Suddenly, chocolate milk feels like the optimistic diagnosis. Tim reluctantly attends a yearly physical and discovers that his medical records contain questionable vaccine dates reaching back to childhood. A mysterious hepatitis B entry suggests he received one shot in 2010 but never completed the series, leaving everyone unsure whether Tim skipped the appointment or somebody simply failed at paperwork. The solution is apparently more needles: hepatitis B, tetanus, pertussis and flu shots until Tim achieves pharmaceutical invincibility or begins receiving radio signals. After all that, the insurance company starts denying claims connected to the physical he never wanted. Preventive medicine has successfully created a fresh health problem called billing rage. Tim suspects disclosing his enthusiastic gay sex life may have encouraged the medical staff to add several additional syringes to the order. Sagittarius Shawty prepares for her first client in a while, complete with a work bag and a bed she openly admits is not structurally sound. The customer asks for her work name at the front desk, gets questioned by staff and finally reaches her apartment—only to take one look inside and announce that he suddenly feels unwell. Sagittarius sends him away, regrets not charging a cancellation fee and wonders what went wrong with the evening’s truth-in-advertising campaign. After the rejection, she drinks with a neighbor despite her recent break from alcohol, cuddles with him and eventually has unprotected sex. Sagittarius notices how quickly the neighbor agreed to skip protection but decides not to examine that warning sign for more than three consecutive seconds. The couple moves from the couch to the designated client bedroom, where two ominous cracks are followed by the entire bed collapsing. The broken frame leaves Sagittarius wondering how she can continue working without her most essential piece of office equipment. Somewhere, OSHA quietly closes the file. Tim unloads on drivers who stop several car lengths behind intersections, stare at their phones and remain stationary after the light turns green. One woman responds to a truck driver’s horn by putting her vehicle in park, climbing out and demanding his name and an apology while traffic squeezes around both vehicles. She claims dizziness prevented her from driving, although she remains steady enough to shout, direct traffic and continue the confrontation. The truck driver eventually apologizes for honking. She keeps arguing anyway, because the dispute is no longer about traffic—it is about achieving complete emotional victory over a commercial vehicle. Tim begins warming to autonomous cars, if only because robots might proceed through a green arrow before Cincinnati completes another geological era. A land surveyor demonstrates equipment that measures distance by sending a signal toward a prism and calculating its return. A woman stops in the road, leaves her car door open and confronts him because she believes the harmless surveying equipment is connected to 5G. The surveyor jokes that he may indeed be her boss and can control her, feeding the conspiracy exactly the amount of gasoline it deserves. For the final flourish, he assigns the measured point the number 5G and marks it near her property. Every local government department should expect a phone call by lunchtime.
